When the walls around you are crumbling and, though you have no clue how they got there, you’ve got a brick in each hand and a pile at your feet it’s almost too easy to let yourself slip away from everyone and everything… Those are the moments of true despair, when you know that there is only one thing causing the problems in your life, and that cause is YOU.
You want to let everything go. You don’t want to talk to or see the people you love, because to see yourself reflected in their eyes is unbearable. You want nothing more than to be worthy of their love and respect, but in your heart you know that you are not doing everything that is required to achieve that.
And so, you retreat into the deepest darkest part of yourself you can find. You hope and pray that by the time you get yourself together, people will still be there with those same shining eyes, filled with unconditional love… but you know there is a possibility they will not. You know that you can’t expect people to put their own feelings and needs on the backburner while you figure out what your problem is, but that doesn’t stop you from asking anyway.
Deep down, you know that this is a risky thing--this hiding, this MIA routine, this invisible person costume you’re wearing… but what else can you do when evil and ugliness have attached themselves to you like a parasite and you have allowed yourself to become a host, establishing some kind of symbiotic relationship with the darkness?
All you can do is search your soul for the answers, and pray for favorable conditions during the inevitable journey back to the source of who you really are.
